Today I turn 43. Not sure what that means. I thought it meant a shit load when my old man turned it, but now that I pass the mile marker doesn't seem the same as I thought when I poo poo'd him.

The grandson was over tonight. What a kid!!! Very wonderful seeing life move on regardless of my contributions. Got to attempt to comfort him when he was restless going to sleep. Didn't quite work out. I want to control the universe, that's the bottom line. Hate seeing him without a dad that give's a shit, but absolutely nothing I can do about it... and that just sucks. I have very little power to resolve things that actually matter. Makes me realize, that as bad as I did as a dad... at least I gave it a shot and my best attempt. That should count for something someday... or if not oh well.

Else where the world is good. I'm still alive and happy. Not drunk, which I suspected I would be as I become 43, but the grandson curtailled that and I'm glad he did. Helps put perspective in a middle aged mans life. Thought I was supposed to have it figured out by now. Now I know why dad seemed so fucked up... he was. Oh well, he gave it his best attempt too, and for that I am now thankful.

It's gonna be the best year of my life, I just know it!! (and don't point out if it isn't please!)